


Are you satisfied with an average life?

by Shirit



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Existential Crisis, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 05:22:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15988496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shirit/pseuds/Shirit
Summary: Manchester. 2010. A 2am conversation between Dan and Phil about human existence





	Are you satisfied with an average life?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my bb @knalla who was a very patient beta  
> Find me on tumblr @severaltortillascollector

“Do you think there is a point to human existence?” asked Dan.

They were playing Spyro: Reignited Trilogy. It was 2 am and Manchester was dark and silent out of their window. Phil tilted his head, diverting his attention from the game. He paused it.

Here we go. Phil was quite used to these kind of nights. Dan would leave his dorm after partying with his roommates, drag himself in front of Phil’s door around midnight, drunk and really tired. Phil would open the door, say a soft hi, kiss him and lead him in his living room. Then they would both sit down silently on the couch and play something until Dan finally decided to speak.

“What do you mean Dan”

“I mean, why do we exist?”

“I’m afraid that there is no answer to that Dan” Phil patted his legs. Dan leaned his head on Phil’s lap and stretched his legs on the couch.

“Well… that sucks”

“It bothers you so much, babe?” asked Phil, running his hand through Dan’s hair.

“Yeah… I mean, if there is no point in existing what is the point of doing anything? We’re just tiny entities with no purpose in life. My existence doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. When I will die, I will just stop existing, and that’s it. Our entire life is just a big build up to that moment, when we just disappear. Everything after will just be the same. With or without us. We’re absolutely useless. We’re powerless. How I can go to class tomorrow If I have this voice in my head that always repeats to me that this my only shot at existence. How I can focus on anything else...”

“Dan, you’re not going to class because you don’t fucking care”

“Exactly! I have one life and I’m wasting it being sad, disappointed and unsatisfied. I’m just sitting here with a fucking PlayStation controller in my hands while every aspiration and dream that I have is running away from me. And I’m doing nothing, nothing, to reach them.”

“And why aren’t you reaching for them?”

“Because I can’t!”

“Are you sure? Or are you just terrified?” Dan curled himself up, pressing his face into Phil’s legs.

“I don’t even know If it’s worth it. I’m incapable of doing anything, I will probably fail anyway” said Dan, lowering his voice.

“Dan..”

“Don’t Dan me like that. I failed every test that life gave me. Plus, what is the point in searching for happiness when, at the end, we are all going to die alone and people will forget about us.”

“You’re not going to die alone, I’m here with you.”

“You know I need more than that to stop talking,” said Dan with a hoarse laugh

“Listen we can’t all be Napoleon and completely change the course of history. Sometimes you can just be Dan Howell who changed Phil Lester’s existence. Sometimes the only person who needs to remember to watch your life and progress with pride is you. I know that in the grand scheme of things nothing changes, but how can a life be wasted if you spend It being happy?”

“Finding ultimate happiness is not like buying groceries Phil, it’s a little bit more complicated.”

“And you’re right babe, that’s why you need to die with the assurance that you’ve done everything possible to be happy”

“How can everybody live every day with all these thoughts? How can they not go insane?”

“They don’t think about it, Dan. Unfortunately, you’re smart enough” – Dan rolled his eyes at the compliment – “to prefer to think about the inevitability of death rather than thinking about fucking everything that moves like every nineteen year old boy.”

“I think about fucking you a lot though” said Dan with a smirk.

“Shut up Howell”

“I love you Phil” said Dan after a moment of quietness

“I know”

“Don’t fucking Solo me”

Phil smiled and moved Dan’s fringe out of his eyes “I love you too, dumbass”.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it.


End file.
